Other People’s Thoughts on Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Last week, I finally got a chance to see Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. The long awaited sequel to Jurassic World. 

The screening I went to was presented in 2-D in a small theater. I managed to find a seat in the third front row. People started to crowd in just as the trailers started. Seated behind me was a short, plaid wearing hipster with Gerri curls. At my right was a mom and her two young sons. Down in front was a middle aged husband and wife.

During my time settling in to watch the movie (and quietly unwrap the peanut butter cookies I smuggled in), I tried hard not to eavesdrop on what my fellow moviegoers were saying. Welp, I failed.

Here’s just a summary of those theater patrons real-time thoughts on Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. I’ll try not to spoil some things about the movie. However, certain comments may require me to describe an event in [BRACKETS].

[A research submarine slowly backs up toward a giant toothy maw of the MOSASAUR]

MIDDLE-AGED WIFE: So the T-Rex can swim?

 

[JEFF GOLDBLUM appears for the first half of his only scene in the movie. I can hear HIPSTER panting like a wolf that finished running a marathon.]

[SUTHURN’ U.S. SENATAH asks Goldblum for the third time what he means when he says the cloned dinosaurs should be swallowed by the volcano as reciprocation for violating nature’s plan.]

HIPSTER (quietly annoyed): Because your wrong and he’s Goldblum… (hissing) Dumbass.

[CHRIS PRATT and BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD are talking in a bar. Pratt says she has “nice skin”]

MOM (gritted teeth): Macehisass! Macehisass!

[HACKER MCGLASSESFACE screams like a girl for the sixth consecutive time!]

MIDDLE-AGED HUSBAND: Ugh! That’s it. I’m taking another piss.

[Sure enough, Mid. Hus. goes to to the bathroom for a second time.]

[A squad of mercenaries tranquilize Pratt and his pet raptor, BLUE. DANIELLA PINEDA picks up a gun and stares down the squad.]

MOM: Ohhhh. She take no shit.

[I winced a bit when Pratt is trying to flail himself away from CGI running lava and brushed his knuckle against it. SON #1 turned to me and said…]

SON #1: It’s okay, mister. He’s Starlord. Nothing hurts him.

[The mercenaries’ freighter leaves port and everyone on board watches a lone long necked dinosaur lingering at port as clouds of ash and embers rain down.]

MID WIFE: Well that’s just sad.

SON #2: You can make it! Swim!

HIPSTER (sobbing): I miss Goldblum.

[Pineda is operating on Blue in the back of a truck while Pratt and Howard observe. She them to get a blood sample from the T-Rex.]

SON #2: Couldn’t she get one of the soldier guys to help?

SON #1: Shhhh!

[RAFE SPALL enters a room]

MOM: Oh, he’s evil.

[Spall and B.D. MUTHERFUKIN’ WONG argue about the newly created, INDORAPTOR.]

HIPSTER (hissing): I don’t care! What have you done with Goldblum!?

[Sons #1 and #2 start fidgeting in their seats right around the time the big dinosaur slave auction happens.]

[Pratt and Howard are in a JAIL CELL next to another dinosaur, a hard headed one. Pratt gets HARD HEAD to smash through their cell wall. It does that and Pratt positions himself to get the dino to charge through the cell’s bars.]

MID WIFE: Hit him in the dick!

[INSERT SUDDEN PLOT TWIST THAT THE WRITERS CAME UP WITH IN FIVE SECONDS]

MID WIFE: What just happened?

MID HUS: I think that girl is part raptor.

[The INDORAPTOR crawls on the roof of the Victorian, castle-like LOCKWOOD ESTATE and ROARS AT THE MOON. It then slithers it way down the edifice towards the LITTLE GIRL’S BEDROOM WINDOW. The GIRL hides under her covers as she sees the Indoraptor’s shadow that looks suspiciously like Nosferatu’s.]

MOM: This must be one of those Dark Universe movies.

[All of the characters stand in an observation room watching dinosaurs crowd toward steel reinforced doors. Toxic gas is seeping in and will kill all the dinos. A character is deciding whether or not to push a BRIGHT RED BUTTON that will free them.]

SON #1 & #2: Come on! Do it!

MID HUS: Flip a coin!

HIPSTER: GOLDBLUM!

[By now the Hipster is getting agitated. I can hear…]

HIPSTER: If Goldblum doesn’t appear again, I’ll…

[Jeff Goldblum’s second-half-of-first-scene starts]

HIPSTER:…Oh!….Well, I’m satisfied.

[T-Rex crashes through a BARBED-WIRE FENCE. The camera pulls back to reveal Rex is in the SAN DIEGO ZOO, specifically the LION CAGES. Rex and a Lion roar at each other.]

SON #1: Awww Yeah!

SON #2: This is gonna’ be awesome!

[The scene cuts away.]

SON #1: No!

SON #2: Dammit!

DISCLAIMER: The reactions posted here are mostly true. I am totally not trying to riff this movie before Rifftrax gets a hold of it. Names and identities have been changed to protect the innocent, and because I never asked them for their names and identities (please don’t tell them).

Also, I was too lazy to get the accurate, scientific names of all the dinosaurs. Be honest, you didn’t care either.